Why I won’t be attending the party
Because, if I do go there will be alcohol and if there is alcohol I will drink it and if I drink it, I will tell the truth. And you and me both know, no one is really wants to hear that. So instead I’m at work sitting out the party, which is fine, really(my office lights didn’t work this morning,
but that’s a whole other story.) But. Since I won’t be attending the social gathering, here are some of my thoughts I wouldn’t get to share anyway
Forcing something never works, and that’s with anything. You can break it down to the simplest form, a square isn’t going to fit into a circle, it’s just not(not comfortably at least). To get more specific, forcing yourself to be a certain way or forcing yourself to fit inside someone else’s mold will only cause you pain. No one else will be in pain but you (sure, okay, you could hurt people in the process, but let’s try to focus on one thing at a time.)
We used to ask each other why we had so many problems. Well I had a chance to take some time and I found the answer. And that answer hurt, the problem was us. I don’t mean you and me together, I’m sure that didn’t help anything (because honestly, how were we supposed to help each other when
we were both constantly drowning), but I do mean that, we were quite legitimately our own worst enemy.
I know for me, depression stole my identity early on. I spent most of high school searching for all the missing pieces of myself. With so much missing, it quickly became easier to fit in and find those pieces in others. I tried on other peoples thoughts and attitudes for a while until I made myself a makeshift version of my old personality. I never understood how everyone around me could be so happy about simply being alive, because in my head me and those people were doing the same things but, somehow I getting different results and I was constantly miserable. Of course in hindsight, how could I expect myself not to be one big ball of emotions when I was lying to my own brain about what I liked and disliked. At this point it’s almost comical(almost) to me, the numerous(mostly expensive) solutions I tried instead of just looking in the mirror. Thankfully, I got it through my head that I wasn’t those other people, I was me, and that was beautiful. Once I realized the power in being different, and really started making a constant effort to be myself, everything flipped.Obviously, I still have chronic depression, my brain chemistry hasn’t changed. But I’m not in active depression anymore, and that feels really really good.
Now, I get up each day and things make me smile. (That might not sound like much, but if you’ve ever been there then you know how amazing that is.) It doesn’t matter to me if those things make anyone else smile, because they makes me happy and that’s enough. I used to be so frustrated anytime I heard “it’s the little things that matter”, I never understood what it meant. For too long I tried to find my happiness, in other peoples “little things”. And let me tell you, it doesn’t make you feel any kind of joy to try to force yourself to feel any kind of feeling over something, simply because someone else does.
Now, I get up each day and things make me smile. (That might not sound like much, but if you’ve ever been there then you know how amazing that is.) It doesn’t matter to me if those things make anyone else smile, because they makes me happy and that’s enough. I used to be so frustrated anytime I heard “it’s the little things that matter”, I never understood what it meant. For too long I tried to find happiness, in other peoples “little things”. And let me tell you, it doesn’t make you feel any kind of joy to try to force yourself to feel any kind of feeling over something, simply because someone else does.
My advice that I’ll never get to say to you, is just be yourself. Obviously I know we’ve both heard it seven hundred and eighty six times, but bare with me. You’re so much cooler than the person you pretend to be. Theres already so many people faking it in the world, why be just another one of them. You’ve always wanted to be special and stand out in some way, well being yourself is how you do that. I know it’s easier said then done and I know its scary to be honest with yourself and look in the mirror but listen its so worth it. So many of your problems will disappear instantly. My hope is that you have someone is in your life that you can be authentic and raw with, because I know it isn’t me anymore. That they will give you the courage to expand your horizons and spread your wings, to step outside of the walls you built, because you and I both know you were meant for way more then just fitting in.