THE AUDACITY OF ADULTHOOD.

So holidays have never really been my thing. Ive been that annoying person who hates the holidays and Christmas music since my wonderful parents traumatized me by moving us across the country from Florida to Maryland on Christmas on year(I love you mom). But as I get older, each year I realize more and more the importance of holidays and their meanings.

This year specifically though, I’m dreading the holidays. Not that every holiday specifically reminds me of my dad, but who am I kidding they all basically do. While I have remained a grinch, my dad loved the holidays. No matter it was, he was the definition of prepared.
Thanksgiving, he cooked the whole meal, got up at 5 a.m. to put his annual 20 l.b. turkey in the oven. Fourth of July…this man would spend $800-$1000 on firework.
Christmas he would make sure to check off every item on the list, Easter he would put together huge easter baskets filled with candy and presents all the way up until this past easter. Halloween was always no different.

Every year without fail my dad would buy the biggest bag of candy he could find, dump it in a serving bowl and get ready to hand it out. There was a small problem he would ran into year after year however, we never lived in a neighborhood with kids, even when I was younger, we lived on 10 acres in a small town in Florida, with a mile long dirt road driveway that was scary regardless of the date on the calendar. Every year, my dad, would without fail, end up with a whole bowl of candy to himself. I know it sounds kinda sad but my dad wasn’t stupid and if I could guess he just used the holiday as an excuse to buy a huge bag of candy for himself(and me), because I know, that he knew in his brain that no little kid would ever walk down our drive way, or even when we moved and didn't live in the middle of nowhere, we moved to a street where we had never seen a child(I was probably the youngest), shockingly 200 didn't magically appear October 31st.

Either way his renewed excitement for the season always stuck out to me. It made me a little more excited for halloween and the holidays that followed every time I saw him buy a bag of assorted candy or hang a “tacky” decoration on the front porch.
This year every part of my body wants to ignore the holidays. Because in my head it would be easier that way because that’s always have I’ve dealt with things that made me uncomfortable. But to be very honest with you, it hasn’t really gotten me that far. So my thinking here is that my head might be wrong on this one.

I decided very early this morning that I’m all in to the holidays this year. Watch out world because, festive is about to be my middle name.

So thats that, I'm forcing myself to participate this year, instead of doing what’s easy for me and avoiding the holiday spirit at all costs. Thankfully I’ve gotten slightly less grinchy over the past couple of years, thanks to my boyfriend. So luckily I don’t have to start from complete rock bottom. He’s made me realize how new traditions can help change how you feel about the holidays. Last year our big thing as a couple was decorating for Christmas(and compared to this years halloween…let me say, that was not much),but it made me so happy to decorate the apartment and celebrate the Christmas season with him.
So at 5 am this morning I ordered (...the start) of my new collection of halloween decorations.

And because I need instant gratification, I got my supplies delivered from target to my apartment(same day…in less then 4 hours…target opened at 8, they delivered at 9:20…magic). I spent an hour decorating and about $70, and let me tell you; I am one ecstatic little pumpkin. Honestly I’m starting to thing the cure to all my problems is the opposite of what my head tells me to do. Regardless, decorating for halloween has put me in (dare I say) the best mood I’ve been in a while. Who knew plastic skulls and wooden pumpkins could make someone this happy.

The funny thing is, while I was decorating instead of thinking about all the missed future carved pumpkins, I found myself reminiscing on all my adolescent memories of the holidays. Memories that I hadn’t thought of in years. Of course everyones different and I’m not saying forcing a feeling or situation is always a good idea but maybe if your avoiding something and its still negatively effecting you, maybe the way isn’t around, but through.

So, as I’m sure you could guess, mid writing this I just ordered more decorations.But I needed them okay! You see this morning while decorating I realized the pom-pom garland I bought was far to short for what I wanted to use it for, so now I NEED to put pumpkin lights over the window instead. But do not worry, they’ll be here by 10 pm tonight. So all said and done I looked for, ordered, got delivered, decorated, realized I was missing something, repeated steps 1-4, and most importantly felt so much joy all in less then 24 hours and that to me is a win and a blessing.